Everything is an Experiment with Dr. Lola Day

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Episode Transcript

Brought to you by The ADHD Podcast Community on Patreon

Pete Wright: Hello everybody, and welcome to Taking Control, the ADHD podcast on True Story FM. I’m Pete Wright, and I’m here with Nikki Kinzer.

Nikki Kinzer: Hello everyone. Hello, Pete Wright.

Pete Wright: Oh, hi, Nikki. Hi.

Nikki Kinzer: Oh, hi.

Pete Wright: How are you?

Nikki Kinzer: I’m doing great. How about you?

Pete Wright: Doing good? I’m so great. I’m back from a week in Missoula, Montana, and if you are in Montana, in Missoula, you have an amazing town. I loved my time there. I had a fantastic little Airbnb, and apart from the electronics on my car deciding, "You know what, We don’t want you to go home," It felt like a horror movie. I tried to leave, I got about 10 minutes out of town, stopped at a truck stop, and my car said, "Nope, you should stay here a couple more days."

Nikki Kinzer: You should stay in the truck stop?

Pete Wright: Yeah.

Nikki Kinzer: Yeah.

Pete Wright: You should stay in the truck stop. So, smelled of diesel, but it was Montana Diesel, which is cleaner. I don’t know if you know that. It’s really lovely.

Nikki Kinzer: I didn’t know that.

Pete Wright: No, we had a great time. We’re back to business though. We are talking about overwhelm, and stress, specifically around busy, overwhelmed women, with Dr. Lola Day today. We’re very excited to have her here. Before we do that, head over to Take Control ADHD. You can get to know us a little bit better. You can listen to the show right there on the website, or subscribe to the mailing list, and we will send you an email each time a new episode is released. You can connect with us on Facebook, or Instagram, or Pinterest, at Take Control ADHD. But if you really want to get to know us, head over to the ADHD Discord community. It’s super easy to jump in there. Just visit takecontroladhd.com/discord, and you’ll be whisked over to the general invitation, and log in. If you’re looking for a little bit more, if this show has ever touched you in some way, helped you live your life better with ADHD, become a patron. Just visit patreon.com/theADHDpodcast, and you will get access to even more secret, member only channels, and Discord, a fantastic community, and other incredible resources that we keep trying to create for members, for you to have a better, and richer experience with your ADHD community. So, patreon.com/theADHDpodcast to learn more. And you know, Nikki, how excited I am for the next thing I have to talk to you about.

Nikki Kinzer: Yes.

Pete Wright: Which is, yeah, it’s my favorite thing in the world. This week’s episode is brought to you by Text Expander, one of the best invisible tools in my tech tool chest. It is always there. It’s always on all my devices, running in the background. Text Expander is just waiting for me to type an abbreviation, or a snippet in Text Expander parlance. When Text Expander sees that snippet, it goes to work, instantly expanding from just a few characters that I type, into sentences, paragraphs, calculations, pages of text just pop into view. Now, we’re going to be talking a lot about overwhelm today, about overcoming the challenges of overload while living with ADHD. If staying on top of your communication, and reducing those unforced errors is important to you, you owe it to yourself to check out Text Expander. Here’s how it works. First, you find it, if there’s something I type more than once, that’s a signal, I need to add it into Text Expander. Then I store it there. I keep my most used emails, phrases, messages, URLs, and more, right in my text Expander library. A snippet, again, can include text, or links, or images, or code, whatever you want. And then I expand it. I deploy my content whenever I need it, with just a few keystrokes, an abbreviation that represents this longer bit of text. And then if I want, I can even share it. I can share it with other individuals, or my family, or I can upgrade to a business account with Text Expander, and share it with my whole team. It’s really, really easy. It’s available on Mac, and Windows, and Chrome, and iPhone, and iPad. And for listeners of the ADHD Podcast, you can get 20% off your first year of service. Just visit takecontroladhd.com/textexpander, and you’ll be whisked over to our page on their site, where you can get started. Again, if you get started now, save 20% off your first year subscription. The way we work is changing rapidly, make work work the way your brain works, by saying more in less time, with less effort, using Text Expander. Our great thanks to Text Expander for sponsoring the ADHD Podcast. And you have some news. Yeah?

Nikki Kinzer: Yes, I am very excited to be talking to you guys about some coaching options coming in October. It’s group coaching, something that we haven’t offered in a while. We have two different types of groups. One is the ADHD Support Group, which I will be co-hosting with one of our TCA coaches, Ian. And then we also have an ADHD parents group that we are going to do. It’s going to be myself, and with another coach from TCA, Aviva. They are both going to be six weeks, and the deadline to enroll will be October 19th. So, definitely go and visit my website, at takecontroladhd.com, to learn more about these groups, and how to sign up, and what they’re all about. Very excited to be doing this.

Pete Wright: It’s very, very exciting, and I love that it’s with new TCA coaches.

Nikki Kinzer: Yes.

Pete Wright: That’s so great.

Nikki Kinzer: It is.

Pete Wright: That’s so, so great.

Nikki Kinzer: It is. It’s going to be a lot of fun.

Pete Wright: Yes, it’s going to be a lot of fun. Well, I think with that news, Nikki, let’s go see if we can find Dr. Lola Day.

Nikki Kinzer: Let’s do it.

Pete Wright: Dr. Lola Day is a busy mother, double boarded physician, lifestyle strategist, and an ADHD trained life coach for ambitious women. She believes that the right system and strategies, all women can lead a wholesome, wealthy, and fulfilled life, without overwhelm, and without sacrificing their goals, passion, or family. And she joins us today to talk about overwhelm, burnout, stress, and LollieTasking. Doctor Lola Day, welcome to the ADHD Podcast.

Dr. Lola Day: Oh, thank you for having me. I’m so excited to be here, Pete, and Nikki.

Nikki Kinzer: Oh, thank you.

Pete Wright: We are so glad to have you.

Nikki Kinzer: So yes, please tell us a little bit about you. Share your personal journey with ADHD, how you got here. You’re doing a lot of things, a lot of special things. Yeah.

Pete Wright: I know, right. How did you solve ADHD?

Nikki Kinzer: Tell us some background. Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: Hashtag ADHD. That was my life story. As you guys know, we’re multi passionate people. So, my story actually started a long, long time ago, in the far away land. Just kidding. But, when I was younger, looking back, of course, we always had ADHD, right? It’s not something that just happens when you grow up, and then when you get… Well, you get, they’re like, "Oh, wow. Okay." But when I was younger, I was always the super ambitious kid, top of my class. I was that one annoying kid in the class that got a 97, and was pissed when everybody else got like a C. I was that one.

Pete Wright: Oh, yeah, yeah. I know you.

Dr. Lola Day: That was me. I’m sorry. That was me. But, the thing about it is that my passion was learning. I actually loved to learn. And as you know, anything with ADHD, when we follow our passion, we thrive in it. But at the same time, when I was younger, I was never also the most hyperactive kid, like the typical ADHD kid that you think about. But I was always a daydreamer, and my teachers would say, "I think she’s just bored. She’s so smart, she’s just bored." And for me, I’m like, "No, I’m just thinking about the 1000 other things I’d rather be thinking about."

Nikki Kinzer: Right.

Dr. Lola Day: It wasn’t necessarily I was bored, my brain just goes everywhere. But, it wasn’t until, I think in high school, still top of my class, top 5% of my class, when I would take standardized tests, and it just never matched. Right?

Nikki Kinzer: Oh, right.

Dr. Lola Day: I would… And my issue, and I knew what my issue was, because I’ve always been a learner, or problem solve. I’m a scientist at heart. In my program, we talk about how everything is an experiment. So, in my mind I’ve always been like, "Okay, if it doesn’t work, let’s do an experiment to figure it." So throughout my life, when things did not work, I would always do experiments to figure it out, a.k.a. creating strategies for myself. And I didn’t realize I was masking my ADHD with those strategies. So, during that time, I would take my SATs, MCATs, or the various many exams I would take, and I would have anxiety, because I knew I made stupid mistakes. I daydreamed during exams, I would never finish. And even with all that, I would still get a 80 something percentile. So, people would say, "Oh, you’re just not a good tester, but you’re amazing." So, I still went to UG, and go Dogs. Had a 4.0 GPA, going to UGA, still got a scholarship, still did all those amazing things that, of course you could not have ADHD, and do all these things. But it wasn’t until I got to medical school, and I was talking to one of my attendants, which is our supervising doctors at that time, and she was having a conversation with me, and she was like, "I just love you." You know where we are passionate about stuff with ADHD. We hyper focus on it, we talk about it all the time.

Pete Wright: Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: We’re a little bit of a nuisance. [inaudible 00:09:19]. And she is just like, "Your passion for medicine is just crazy. You’re just amazing." And I’m like, "Yeah." And she was like, "I bet you’re one of those people that got a perfect score on your board exam." And my face just went down.

Nikki Kinzer: Oh.

Dr. Lola Day: Because I was the kid that would teach other kids, and they would get a perfect score. I never could get a perfect score. And of course, you couldn’t have a learning disability, or anything, because you are smart. Everybody know you’re smart, you get 100s on everything. But it’s just that standardized test score, that could not get to where I wanted to be. Talking to some of my friends, they’re like, "There goes Lola again. You got a 85, most people got a 70. What’s your problem?" But what people didn’t realize is, for me to get that 85, I would study three, four times as hard.

Nikki Kinzer: Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: I would hyper focus on it. Instead of studying for five hours like everybody else, I was studying a whole week. I was sacrificing vacations. One of my friend, ironically, I live in Florida now, and I remember one time, all my girlfriends came to Florida in undergrad for spring break, and I was like, "No, I have a test the Friday after spring break." And they were like, "Are you crazy?"

Nikki Kinzer: Right.

Dr. Lola Day: "Let’s go have fun."

Pete Wright: Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: And I wouldn’t go, because I knew I needed to do this to get the grades I wanted. Also was I was competitive too, so that was part of it.

Nikki Kinzer: Sure.

Pete Wright: Do you feel like, all of this that you’re describing, it seems like… I know with my ADHD, I find when I go into that hyper focused mode, and I bless you for being able to hyper focus on actual school, that was never my jam.

Dr. Lola Day: That was my blessing, actually.

Pete Wright: I could focus on a lot. Yeah. You have the right wiring for that right now. But, I’m just wondering, the way you describe it, all I can think about is, what kind of a toll that takes on you in the background. Did you find you were doing any sort of damage to yourself, psycho-socially, emotionally? What was the cost of all of this?

Dr. Lola Day: The funny thing, I’ve always been the one kid that, I was never a big on peer pressure. I knew what I wanted. I was always that child that knew what they wanted.

Pete Wright: Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: So, if I have a goal, again with ADHD, I had this big value system. I was going to be a doctor, because I wanted to go help these kids in Africa, and nothing was going to stop me. That’s where our stubbornness, like when we are leaning into our strength, that stubbornness part of us, I lean into it. And I also had someone who, when I was young, told me I could never do it. And I had to show them I will do it.

Nikki Kinzer: Yeah.

Pete Wright: Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: So I had so many things. But, when it comes to did it play a big… To be honest, growing up, I didn’t really realize there was anything wrong with me. I just thought that was me. I love to learn. I’m going to kick butts, and I’m going to do whatever it is to kick butt. Right?

Nikki Kinzer: Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: And I give examples of, I was like, mine was learning. Simone Biles was gymnastic. Phelps with swimming. They just go all out. Sometimes, my mom will come and be like, "I don’t understand how I have to get mad at you for studying so hard. Turn off the light, and go to bed."

Pete Wright: Yeah, right.

Nikki Kinzer: Right.

Dr. Lola Day: That was my thing. But it wasn’t until then, when she was like… I think she had ADHD in retrospect, she was like, "I think you have ADHD." And to be honest, I was taken aback. I was like, "How dare she?"

Pete Wright: Yeah. Right.

Nikki Kinzer: And this was coming from your mom?

Dr. Lola Day: No, no, no. This is the attending, when I was in medical school.

Nikki Kinzer: Oh, oh, okay.

Dr. Lola Day: When she asked me about my grades.

Nikki Kinzer: I see.

Dr. Lola Day: And I was like, "Oh, actually my grades are good, as in the grades in school, but standardized tests." The reason it was so hard was they have long stems. I didn’t know how it is. We can’t read anything long. And it was just like, I hated standardized tests. I still have anxiety thinking about it.

Pete Wright: Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: And she was like, "I think you have ADHD." She was like, "I’ve seen you. I’ve seen your passion." She knew the nuances that came with ADHD. She [inaudible 00:13:25] recognize-

Pete Wright: Did that trigger anything for you? Did you resonate with that, when she told you?

Dr. Lola Day: No.

Pete Wright: Like, "Oh yeah, I probably do?" Or no? When did it click?

Dr. Lola Day: No, When she said that, I took it quite offensive. I was like, "How dare she say I have ADHD?" Because, guess what, even in medicine, it’s just recently, I and some of my physician friends are changing the narrative even in medicine, right?

Pete Wright: Yeah, sure.

Dr. Lola Day: Because what they taught us in medicine is, hyper focus, don’t do well in school. I thought I was opposite of someone who had ADHD.

Pete Wright: Yeah. Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: This was of course, 2008, 2009 era, right?

Nikki Kinzer: Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: So I’m like, "What are you talking about? Of course I don’t have ADHD. I’m the top of the class. Excuse me."

Nikki Kinzer: Yeah, yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: Very defensive. And she’s like, "You know what? Just do me a favor. Go see student services. We have an amazing neuropsychologist. Just go see them. Just humor me."

Nikki Kinzer: Just see what you might find out.

Dr. Lola Day: Yeah. She was like, "[inaudible 00:14:28] ADHD, but at least you know. Just go, because it doesn’t make sense that you… I know you know your stuff. You should be getting 100s on your studies. There’s something going on." And because I respected her, that was the only reason why I did it.

Pete Wright: Yeah. Interesting. Interesting. So, you find out, how do you start learning to adapt to this new reality, that you have ADHD?

Dr. Lola Day: So, when I did the test, it came back positive. They said I had severe inattentiveness.

Pete Wright: Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: And I was like, "I don’t believe that."

Pete Wright: How is that possible?

Dr. Lola Day: Yeah. I’m like, "There’s no way. I’m attentive. I study." And he asked me, "So how do you study?" I was like, "Well, when I want to study, well, I don’t really go to class, because I’m very distracted. So I just study in the library all morning, and I have to use a certain kind of music, and I have to…" And I’m telling all the stuff I do.

Pete Wright: Yeah. Yeah.

Nikki Kinzer: Wow.

Dr. Lola Day: And he was like, "Lola, you do realize not everybody does that." I’m like, "Yep, just different."

Nikki Kinzer: It’s just different.

Pete Wright: Wow. That’s fascinating.

Nikki Kinzer: Wow.

Dr. Lola Day: And I had an exam, another exam coming up, and he was like, "Let’s just humor me. I’m going to send you to a psychiatrist. Let’s just try some medication." And I still was resistant. I was like, "Why are they trying to label me?" I’m like, "Why are they trying to label me?" I saw it as a negative thing. And I see it sometimes in some of my clients, to be honest. And that’s what a lot of time I tell, I was like, "I don’t care what you call it. I don’t care what label you put on it. All I know is you’re not achieving this, and we need to fix it." Right?

Nikki Kinzer: Those issues. Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: Because that was my hold up from getting actual help, because I did not want to be labeled as someone who had ADHD. Because for me, I was not perfect. I was not… Like there was something wrong with me. I mean, now I know, now I’m like, "It’s my superpower."

Nikki Kinzer: Right.

Dr. Lola Day: But back then, I felt like there was something wrong with me. So, I did not want to confront it. So, I listened. I went to the psychiatrist, I took the medicine. "I’m just going to humor them." The first week, I took the medicine while I was studying, I was like, "Wait, this is how people think? There’s not always something going on in people’s mind?" That was the first time I noticed, like, "Wait a minute." And then I would ask my sister, "So, do you have a time where your brain is just quiet?" And she’s like, "Yeah. Why?" I was like, "Oh, okay. Just wondering." Because my brain is always on 100.

Pete Wright: Yeah. Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: And yeah, and I did my test, and I got a 99 percentile ever, on the standardized test.

Nikki Kinzer: Wow.

Dr. Lola Day: And that was when I was like, again, I’m a scientist. There was a hypothesis. I did the experiment, and the experiment confirmed it. And that was when I accepted it. And to be honest, you would think I would be happy. I cried. I went into the grieving process. Because I’m like, "What life could be, right?"

Pete Wright: Yeah. Suddenly this is real. Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: Exactly. Exactly. And it took me another five years, when I got married, and things started, and I was like, "Wait, my ADHD is working." And then I started researching more about it. And it’s funny, I fell into culture, because my friends would come in and they’ll say, "You’re such an amazing organizer. You’re so this." Everything that is not quote unquote ADHD, because I always have things in place. So, I started doing life strategies for women, busy women, like professional women.

Pete Wright: Well, I want to talk about how you made that… Two transitions, right? Transition one is that you’re a physician, and that’s-

Dr. Lola Day: Yeah, still [inaudible 00:18:17].

Pete Wright: That seems like-

Nikki Kinzer: That’s a big job.

Pete Wright: I know some physicians, they’re not people who seem to have a lot of time on their hands. And so, you’ve decided to be a physician, and coach, and lifestyle strategist, and have this LollieTasking thing. What made you decide to make that switch to add coaching, lifestyle, ADHD, to your already full boat?

Dr. Lola Day: Oh Lord, that’s a very good question. I always say I fell into it. So, I love what I love. When I love things, I love to do it, and I find a way to do it. That’s the long and short of it.

Pete Wright: Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: So, I’m a pediatric cardiologist, very busy.

Pete Wright: Oh my God.

Dr. Lola Day: [inaudible 00:19:10].

Nikki Kinzer: Wow.

Pete Wright: Oh my God.

Dr. Lola Day: I’m also a fetal cardiologist. But, that’s beside the point. So, it’s funny, because I used to do a lot of traveling, and used to give advice. I just love talking to people. I’ve always been that, very jovial. And I would have friends come in, and be like, "Lola, you seem like you have it all together. How do you do it?" So I said, "Sure." Again, I’m learning now, boundaries. Right? I jump. I’m very impulsive in helping people, right?

Pete Wright: Yeah. I don’t know anything about that. Right.

Dr. Lola Day: Yeah. Yeah. I’m like, "Come over to my house. We’ll sit down." And I basically take over their life. I’m like, "This is what I do. Here’s my strategy, and da, da, da, da, da." And I basically, in the span of four or five hours, I create a whole strategy for them. And they take that strategy, and they take it home. And you’re like, "Whoa, this works for me." So, you can imagine if it works for someone who has ADHD, someone who doesn’t have ADHD, they’re like, "Whoa, this is crazy."

Nikki Kinzer: Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: So my friends would tell other friends, and then other friends would tell other friends. And that’s how I became a "lifestyle strategist." And the first year, I did it just because it was fun, I actually loved doing it. It was more like a hobby for me. Something that was not in the sciences, and was still fun. It was still strategizing.

Nikki Kinzer: What were the kind of topics that you worked on with those folks? Was it home related, work related, everything?

Dr. Lola Day: Yeah. So, it was basically whole life planning. It was basically creating a life plan for them.

Nikki Kinzer: I see.

Dr. Lola Day: So they would come, a lot of them were physicians, just because that’s who I know, majority, because I was a nerd, and all my friends were doctors.

Pete Wright: A question on that, before you dive in.

Dr. Lola Day: Yeah.

Pete Wright: Is ADHD of some prominence in the physician community?

Dr. Lola Day: Yep. And this, people didn’t realize until recently, and I could tell you exactly the specialty they go into. Emergency medicine.

Pete Wright: Oh sure.

Dr. Lola Day: We thrive under pressure. Right?

Pete Wright: Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: And things like cardiology, which I am, because in cardiology, you don’t have to memorize. Everything is pumps, and electricity, so it’s like math. That’s why I like math, too. I don’t have to memorize anything. Once I know the formula, I can figure it out.

Pete Wright: Well, and it changes gears so fast. Everything changes so fast. Like emergency medicine, if the heart is stopping, you’d have to do something about it. It just… You act.

Dr. Lola Day: Exactly.

Pete Wright: Yeah. Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: And you’re not doing the same thing over and over again. So, like with me, I’m a pediatric cardiologist. One day I do fetal cardiology, another day I do TEE, which is imaging the heart during surgery. And so, I have a lot of variety that keeps it fun.

Pete Wright: Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: I always knew I could not be in an office doing, the same thing over and over again. I knew that even when I was 10 years old. I was like, "I would die." But, going back to what I was saying, the ladies will come to me, and I’ll basically create a plan for them. "Okay, this is what you need to do, this is what your schedule is. Do you have a routine?"

Nikki Kinzer: I see.

Dr. Lola Day: So basically a lot of the things I do right now, for even my ADHD clients, except with my ADHD client, I use more ADHD language, and things that pertains to them more. Yeah, and they will do all those things. They’re like, "Whoa, I have so much free time." And I always talk about rest. Why I talk about the wealthy, wholesome life, having rest, having time. Because the problem with ambitious women, is we do, do, do for everybody, and we don’t rest and recharge. So, I would go through all that with them. But then while doing it, I found out that a lot of us that were coming to me had ADHD.

Nikki Kinzer: Yeah.

Pete Wright: Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: Or I would talk to them, and I’d be like, "Sis, you’re like me." And I would say maybe out of about a good 20 to 30%, I recommended to go see somebody, and for sure they had ADHD, diagnosed in their 30s, and 40s.

Nikki Kinzer: Interesting.

Dr. Lola Day: And when it got that much, and they would come to me, "Can you coach me for my ADHD specific?" I was like, "I’m going to go to school for that again."

Pete Wright: Yeah.

Nikki Kinzer: And where did you get the training for the ADHD coaching?

Dr. Lola Day: I went to ADD Coaching Academy after.

Nikki Kinzer: That’s where I went. Yep.

Dr. Lola Day: Okay.

Nikki Kinzer: Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: [inaudible 00:23:55]. Yeah, as you know, it’s an amazing program.

Nikki Kinzer: It is.

Dr. Lola Day: I love it.

Nikki Kinzer: Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: I was like, "Listen, I thought I knew ADHD. But, after going to the school as a physician, I feel like this is a part of training even physicians need to learn."

Nikki Kinzer: Yes. Yes.

Dr. Lola Day: It’s not taught. A lot of times when people are, "My doctor didn’t…" I was like, "Don’t be mad at them. They were not taught."

Nikki Kinzer: They don’t know. Yeah.

Pete Wright: They just don’t know.

Dr. Lola Day: We don’t know. That’s not what we went… It’s a lot of things are not even in the DSM, which we use, to diagnose these things, as I’m really glad I did, and now I’m actually doing my advanced master’s coaching training now.

Nikki Kinzer: Wow. So, how do you do all these things yourself, and not get burnt out?

Dr. Lola Day: That’s a very good question. I practice what I preach. I have boundaries. So, for example, I have a membership program, where I only coach in a membership program once a week. So, that’s protected time, that my family knows, because I do have family time. And then, I only… I don’t do more than two one on one coaching. That’s it.

Nikki Kinzer: Yes.

Dr. Lola Day: Because at this point in time, I’m doing it because I love it, not necessarily financial. I do think, just keeping it real, I do think there’s a time where I’m going to move to maybe 50% in my clinical work, as a physician, and then do coaching 50%, because I do love it. You know that feeling when a client gets to their goal, it’s like we won the Olympics, and get a gold.

Nikki Kinzer: Totally, yes. Yes.

Dr. Lola Day: So I love it. And at the same time, I love when I help a child with a heart condition. So, I do not see myself giving up medicine, and I don’t see myself giving up coaching. So, they’re just going to have to coexist.

Nikki Kinzer: Yes.

Pete Wright: Yeah.

Nikki Kinzer: And you found a way to create those boundaries, so you can do both, as well as creating the boundary for yourself, and your family. Not an easy thing to do.

Dr. Lola Day: Absolutely.

Pete Wright: No, no, no. I’ve got a question. We often… Sometimes we have gendered conversations on this show, but most of the time it’s pretty gender neutral on this show. But, occasionally, like your business is focused on overwhelmed, busy women. What was it that led you to that decision? Working exclusively focused on women? Where are my dudes at?

Dr. Lola Day: You know what? I’ve had men reach out to me all the time, and they’re like, "Why are you discriminated against us?" And I was like, "It really happened the way it happened."

Pete Wright: Sure.

Dr. Lola Day: It started with moms, that were like, "Listen, how are you doing it?" That’s women coming to me. And then it evolved into, oh this woman had ADHD. And to be honest, it was who I connected with.

Pete Wright: Yeah, of course.

Dr. Lola Day: I connected more with the women, and knowing my ADHD, I do things that I love. Not that I don’t love you guys, don’t get me wrong.

Pete Wright: No, I heard it. You said it. No, you said it. That’s it. It’s out. I get it. I get it.

Dr. Lola Day: But, I am very passion driven.

Pete Wright: Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: I’m a very passionate, driven person. You cannot get me to clean the floor, if I don’t feel like doing it. It’s just heavy. So, I lean into my strengths, and my strength, I love to… I mean, I can’t talk to you about the shoes I just bought yesterday, you know what I’m saying? You’re not going to feel me.

Nikki Kinzer: Yeah. Yeah. Well and-

Pete Wright: Okay, all right. That’s fair.

Nikki Kinzer: It is fair. And it’s tough, too, I think, when you’re looking at ambitious women, because the roles, when we look at traditional roles, a lot of those roles still stay true, whether we like it, or not.

Dr. Lola Day: Absolutely.

Nikki Kinzer: Women still do a lot for the home, and management of the home, and the kids. And then you try to throw in a career, not downplaying, Pete, the men of the world.

Dr. Lola Day: Not at all.

Nikki Kinzer: Because it’s hard.

Dr. Lola Day: And some men do.

Nikki Kinzer: Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: And some men do.

Nikki Kinzer: Absolutely.

Dr. Lola Day: The majority.

Nikki Kinzer: But it can really feel isolating, when you feel like you’re by yourself, and you feel like your life is falling apart, and you’re not really sure what to do, to have resources like yourself, and other coaches, and therapists, everybody in this realm, that helps with people with ADHD. It makes a difference. Yeah. Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: Absolutely. And a lot of my sisters, and I call the women my sisters, a lot of my sisters end up quitting, because they’re like, "I can’t do it all."

Nikki Kinzer: Right.

Dr. Lola Day: But sometimes it’s just putting the structure in place. I love my children, I love my husband, but I’ve just never been one of those people that wanted to be a stay at home mom. I actually love being in the clinic, and I love being able to do both. But I’m also that mom at the soccer game, as I, "Yeah, okay." I want to do it all. So how do you do it all without burnout? And that’s really what my passion is about. It really starts in creating those hard boundaries. Part of the boundaries may be limiting the amount of sports your kids play. My kids are limited to one sport. You are limited to one sport every six weeks. If after this six weeks you want to try another one, that’s up to you. But this mama right here does not have the time to go from soccer, to volleyball, to basketball, to a game. Some people may say, "That’s not fair. Kids should…" I’m like, "There’s only one me." So we got to work what works in our family. So, now my kids are doing soccer, next month one of them wants to try basketball. That’s okay. But, we got to make sure, and I make sure they do it for the six weeks. We’re not going to stop after a week. No, no, no, no.

Nikki Kinzer: Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: We’re going to go through it, and decide if we really like it, or continue it, or not. So those are the… When we say boundaries, sometimes it may not even be boundaries on us. Sometimes it’s boundary on the things we accept.

Nikki Kinzer: That’s a very good point.

Dr. Lola Day: Into our family.

Nikki Kinzer: Yeah. Very good point. What else would you recommend? So, boundaries is something that you would do to prevent that burnout. What is another maybe system, or strategy that you would talk to your clients about, to help them with this?

Dr. Lola Day: The number, I’ll say one, two. Two things. The number one thing is rest. We have a hard time resting as ambitious women, we want to do it all. Sometimes it’s because, "Oh, well when my husband does it, he just doesn’t do it as good as I do it." Or, "It costs a little bit more if I hire help." Or, "It’s just better if I just do it, it’s faster." And one of the hardest things, believe it or not, is getting my clients to realize that if you do not charge your battery, you’re actually not giving your family, your children, everybody, the best version of yourself. And I akin it to an iPhone battery. I use iPhone. Nothing against Android, because that’s what I use. But, on the iPhone battery, when it’s at 10%, it goes yellow. Right? A lot of moms, especially working moms, are on… I don’t want to take away from the women who work at home, as well, but they’re on 10% constantly.

Nikki Kinzer: Yeah.

Pete Wright: Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: No wonder you lash out at your kids, and then you lash out at the people who love you the most. Right? Because you’re not refueling yourself. So, my number one thing, actually when we start, is we work on sleep. What is your bedtime? When are you resting? When we are doing planning, guess what we plan first? When are we taking vacation? When are we taking time out for ourselves? That’s the first thing we plan, because a lot of time with women, we plan everything else, and then we look for, "Oh okay, where can I get a rest-"

Nikki Kinzer: "I have a half hour here." Or maybe-

Dr. Lola Day: Right.

Nikki Kinzer: Yeah.

Pete Wright: Right.

Nikki Kinzer: Right. Yeah.

Pete Wright: Right.

Dr. Lola Day: Exactly. And actually, when we plan, I don’t say we have 24 hours in the day. I said we have 16 hours on the day. What do you want to do with that 16 hours? They’re like, "What do you mean 16 hours?" "You’re sleeping eight hours."

Nikki Kinzer: Yeah. Oh, I love that. Yeah.

Pete Wright: Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: So, what are we going to do with the 16 hours? So, the number one thing is rest, and creating time for yourself. I call it self fulfillment. It’s not being selfish. When you’re self full, then you over pour, then your cup can really overflow, and then you can give those extra. But if you’re at 10% already, you burn out.

Nikki Kinzer: Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: Right?

Nikki Kinzer: Right.

Dr. Lola Day: So, like for me, oh trust me, I went to Tanzania this summer. I had a vacation. I sleep. I don’t play with my sleep. So, number one. Number two definitely is boundaries. Number three is delegating.

Nikki Kinzer: Tell us about that.

Pete Wright: Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: Oh, Lord. That’s another fight we have to fight.

Nikki Kinzer: Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: A lot of times people are like, "It’s just better if I do it, or if my husband does it’s not as good." And I do something called SOP, like in business, you have system operating procedures. Create an operating procedure for your family. Okay, you don’t like the way he unloads the dishwasher. Tell him how to do it. If he does it wrong three times, keep telling him how to do it.

Nikki Kinzer: And you dock his pay.

Dr. Lola Day: Not necessarily. And a lot of time, it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it, right? It’s like, "Honey, I’m still… Oh my gosh, thank you so much. Okay. This is how I usually do it. Would you think you could help me do it like that? Muah, muah, muah. You’re the best."

Nikki Kinzer: Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: It’s how you do it, right?

Nikki Kinzer: Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: When I tell people, "Oh, yeah, my husband helps me with this, this, this, this." It’s because I have allowed them to do that. A lot of times, we women, we don’t want to hear this, but we’re a little controlling.

Nikki Kinzer: Right.

Dr. Lola Day: We want to do it our way, and our way only.

Nikki Kinzer: And feel like we can do it all. I think that’s the thing, too. And the pressure of not only can I do it all, I should be doing it all. So, then you start comparing yourself with other people, and what you think other people are doing.

Dr. Lola Day: Yes, absolutely. And that, I’d say, that’s one of the things we fight about. I’m like, "Oh no, we are not comparing." Because I tell people, "I’m the only Doctor Lola that’s a cardiologist, and also a coach, has three kids, and this nice man who I’m married to." So who am I going to compare myself to? You only need to compare yourself to yourself. And I think it’s a little toxic when we think we should be doing it all. I saw a man the other day, "Only women came wake up, and do this, and do this, and do this. Strong women." No, tired woman.

Nikki Kinzer: Yeah. Exactly. Burnt out. 10%.

Dr. Lola Day: That should not be the [inaudible 00:35:22].

Nikki Kinzer: Right.

Dr. Lola Day: Right, 10%.

Nikki Kinzer: I’m so glad you bring that up, because I think, going forward, and listeners, do this too, where are you on your iPhone? Are you at 10%?

Pete Wright: But you know what’s interesting-

Nikki Kinzer: How do you get tot 20 or 30? Right? Let’s increase that.

Pete Wright: Yeah.

Nikki Kinzer: Yeah.

Pete Wright: I have two observations. One on that metaphor, which is, and this is… So now I’m talking just about my wife, because she’s the one that I’m observing doing all this stuff. So she’s always in yellow mode. You know how, when the iPhone, once you recharge it, you have a choice to take it out of low power mode, and most of the time, she never takes it out of low power mode. And that I think kind of exacerbates the feeling. Even when she’s charged, she’s not operating on full power, because she’s kind of exhausted. But the other thing that I think is interesting, and we’ve gone back and forth about this over the 23 years of our marriage, is my impression, is that she has set a standard for how things are done, that she’s responsible for, like grocery shopping, or whatever. I do the laundry, but she does the grocery shopping. And so when I have to do the grocery shopping, my impression is, her feeling is she’s letting me down, because she set a standard so high, that she feels like it’s a problem, because she hasn’t taught me how to do that. And that just exacerbates the feeling of exhaustion, that she can’t let it go, because she’s letting everybody down if she doesn’t do it the way we’ve come to expect it. Which is kind of a weird way around looking at this from a perspective of kindness. We are all very, very glad that she’s willing to do that, and has been so conscientious of it. But, she’s exhausted though, with it, when it comes to that.

Dr. Lola Day: And can I just commend you? You’re an amazing husband for even realizing, and having that awareness, right? Because some issue I have with some of my clients is their husband now expect that of them, and it’s hard to retrain them that, "No, no, no, this is not normal." So the fact that you have that is an amazing place to start from. And it starts from conversation, going to her, and be like, "Listen, let’s start this all over again. You are not expected…" And some women, especially high ambitious women, we put that expectation on ourselves. Nobody cares. We do. We’re the one who put that expectation on ourself, and letting go of some of that expectation. I gave an example on how, obviously I’m a cardiologist, I want my kids to eat healthy. Screen time is important, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. There was a week where I wasn’t going to be around. It’s just, we lost our babysitter, We lost our help, and my husband said, "I’m going to make lunch for the kids." And I was like, "Great. Thank God." And I came downstairs, and I was like, "Oh my gosh. My kids are eating Oreos." I started to unpack the… I started… I’m laughing because I still remember, like I said, I started to unpack it and I was like, "No, wait a minute."

Pete Wright: Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: You’re not going to die if they eat Oreos one day. It wasn’t just Oreos. There was other things too. But it was more like, it wasn’t the way I would do it, and now I’m being controlling. He is trying to take some of that load away from me. And I came down, I joked about it. I was like, "Oh, we know daddy packed lunch today. You guys are getting…" And the kids started laughing. We made it a joke. We talked about it. I was like, "Baby, I think Oreos was good today, but maybe we could put a little carrot or two in it tomorrow too?" And guess what? That was a year and a half ago. Since then, he has been packing their lunch for school.

Pete Wright: There you go.

Nikki Kinzer: Nice.

Dr. Lola Day: And guess what? Now he tells me, "No, no, no. Don’t put that in there." And now he is taking over, and does it way better than I do. There’s still some things I don’t agree with, but I have learned to choose my battles.

Nikki Kinzer: Right.

Pete Wright: Yeah, yeah.

Nikki Kinzer: Right, right. Well and that’s kind of like with the dishwasher thing, because I think that maybe another alternative is to show him, but also just let it go. Just let that go. Because like you said, now you’ve got some help here. Right? Like, okay. All right. Got some help. I mean, appreciate that. And, sometimes you might not be able to let it go, but for the most part, it’s great that you can share those things, and delegate, like you said. I mean this all goes back to delegating.

Pete Wright: It’s huge.

Dr. Lola Day: And then your kids, put them to work as soon as they can.

Nikki Kinzer: Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: For example, I tell people, my youngest now is five, and he sorts his own laundry. And they’re like, "Wait, what?" Why not? He knows his colors.

Nikki Kinzer: Right.

Dr. Lola Day: We make a joke out of it, We make it fun. And he’s telling me, the problem comes when you have the multicolor clothes. And he’s like, "No, no, no mommy, this has green." I’m like, Okay, we’ll put all those on one side, and mommy will sort those out."

Nikki Kinzer: Yes.

Dr. Lola Day: It teaches them responsibility. You don’t have to be the one to do everything. And yes, do they do it perfectly? Of course not.

Nikki Kinzer: No, no.

Dr. Lola Day: Right? But, even if you were supposed to do 100%, and now you’re doing 70%, that’s still better than the 100% you were supposed to do.

Nikki Kinzer: Absolutely.

Dr. Lola Day: And I call that partial delegation. And people don’t think about it. When they think delegation, they think all or none.

Pete Wright: Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: I need someone to clean my entire house, and it’s just like another for $200 every week, I cannot get someone to do that. How about you get someone to just come clean all the toilets?

Pete Wright: Yeah, right.

Dr. Lola Day: Because you had cleaning toilets. Right?

Nikki Kinzer: Right. That’s a great points.

Dr. Lola Day: And pay $50.

Nikki Kinzer: Great point. Right. Yeah, that’s a really great point.

Dr. Lola Day: That still takes away from some of the stress. Yeah.

Pete Wright: I mean, during the pandemic, we actually… My kids were middle school, high school. Now they’re one off to college, and one’s a busy junior in high school. But, some years ago, we started having them join the rotation for making dinner for the family. And it wasn’t always great dinner. It wasn’t always great, but you know what? It was made for the family, and they learned, and they figured it out. And that was amazing. That was amazing. And they got to feel what it feels like, when someone else makes dinner for them, after they’ve already been responsible to make dinner themselves, and that relief is amazing. And they felt much more gracious even, about it, when it was made for them, even by those of us who make dinner. And so, I think that was really, really useful. And then, they go back to school, and nobody’s making dinner for me anymore, and I’m like, "What? What’s up with that?"

Nikki Kinzer: Right.

Pete Wright: But, it’s just really delightful to use some of that stuff. Let’s talk about LollieTasking. Where’d that come from?

Dr. Lola Day: Yes. So LollieTasking started as a podcast I actually started just for the women when I would coach them, and people would want to learn more. So, I have a podcast that’s just LollieTasking, where I interviewed a lot of busy moms, and ambitious mom, and they talk about how they juggle everything. And then when I started coaching, I basically turned my coaching into the same name. I was like, "Okay, the business is LollieTasking." My full name is Lola Day, I can tell you. And Lolly was always a nickname they called me growing up.

Nikki Kinzer: Oh, okay.

Dr. Lola Day: So LollieTasking is not multi-tasking, because we don’t multitask. It’s doing things my own way, and I encourage people to do things their own way, because that’s the way that works the best. Right? Oh you have to do things not how Jamie’s mom, who’s the best mom in the world, does it. Right? And I’m trying to live up to her standard. No, I’m living to Lola’s standard. And I joke when it comes to my clients, I’m like, "Okay, so how are we going to, Jamie task this?"

Nikki Kinzer: Love it.

Dr. Lola Day: How are we going to… So that’s how LollieTasking came about. Yeah.

Pete Wright: Nikki is already taken for Nikkitask. That’s already-

Nikki Kinzer: Nikkitasking, I like it.

Dr. Lola Day: Nikkitasking, love it.

Pete Wright: And I’m not sure Peteytask actually lives up to the standard.

Dr. Lola Day: What did you say? Ptask?

Pete Wright: Peteytask. Ptask.

Nikki Kinzer: Yeah, Ptask.

Dr. Lola Day: Ptask.

Nikki Kinzer: Yep. That’s great.

Pete Wright: That’s [inaudible 00:44:07].

Dr. Lola Day: But that’s how the business came in, that’s how the podcast came in. And I just… Again, with the podcasting, again, I record when I feel like, and I have multiple just waiting to be released, when it releases.

Nikki Kinzer: That’s great.

Dr. Lola Day: And I just try not to overdo it. I do it because it’s fun, and I have time to do it.

Nikki Kinzer: I love it. I love it.

Pete Wright: Love it.

Nikki Kinzer: So where can people find all of your different services, and things that you offer?

Dr. Lola Day: So, you can go to www.LollieTasking.com. You can also follow me on Instagram, at LollieTasker. That’s a little different, with a E-R instead of an I-N-G, because for whatever reason, they wouldn’t let me do I-N-G.

Nikki Kinzer: Yeah.

Dr. Lola Day: And you can also email me hello@LollieTasking.com.

Nikki Kinzer: Love it.

Pete Wright: Love it.

Nikki Kinzer: Thank you so much.

Pete Wright: Love it. Love it. Thank you. Yeah, you’re fantastic.

Dr. Lola Day: Thank you for having me.

Pete Wright: You are a delight.

Dr. Lola Day: Oh, you guys are amazing.

Pete Wright: So great for you to be hanging out in your closet for a [inaudible 00:45:05] podcast with us. Oh, oh, did I say that out loud? That’s right. She’s in her closet.

Dr. Lola Day: It’s okay.

Pete Wright: It’s amazing. Professional podcasters here, the lot of us.

Nikki Kinzer: Yep.

Pete Wright: We’re so glad to have you. All the links are in the show notes. Definitely go check it out. Subscribe to the podcast. I just looked at the website. It looks like episode 39 is live now, and there are so many fantastic resources in here, so check it out. And thank you everybody. We appreciate you for downloading, and listening to this show. Thanks for your time, and attention. Don’t forget, if you have something to contribute to the conversation, we are heading over to the Show Talk channel in our Discord server, and you can join us right there, by becoming a supporting member at the deluxe level. On behalf of Nikki Kinzer, I’m Pete Wright, and we’ll see you right back here next week, on Taking Control, the ADHD Podcast.